Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We got so high we made milksteak
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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