My nipple is on Facebook.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
