rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
