Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
