At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
