yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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