Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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