last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My breath smells like gin and sadness
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
