Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You need Xanax blowdarts
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
