There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
