Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize