My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Dignity is for republicans.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
