What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize