Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
