i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
