I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
