You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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