i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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