I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
