who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
