I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
