why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My bed smells like the plague
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