I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
