my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize