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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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