I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
