The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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