If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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