Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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