Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
