I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize