I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
