her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just invented taco cereal.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
