I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
