so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
