I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
