I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
