He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
