I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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