I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
