His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
