If i come over, it means nothing
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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