i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
