i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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