You don't have asthma, your pregnant
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
