my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
