I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
