no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
