Got a toothbrush?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
