I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just gift wrapped bread.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
