i will never coherently bang her
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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