you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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