you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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