He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
