:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
