Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
