all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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