12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
