I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
