why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
