She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
