Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
