you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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