She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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