I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
